My Sister died back in June. She waged a long battle with colon cancer. They thought they caught it with a colonoscopy at stage one but when they opened her up to get it out they realized it had spread to a lot of her organs and was actually stage 4. They removed her Galblatter, gave her a full historicomy and removed 8 inches of her colon. They hollowed her out. She had aggressive chimo therapy to solve the problem and it did for a while. She went into remission and things seemed super hopeful. She was even riding her bike and went back to work. Then she started having stomach pains. They operated on her but because they hadn't waited long enough on the chimo she went septic and down hill from there. She never recovered fully.
Like I said she died in June. She called me as soon as she found out she had cancer. I had reached out to her a few years before. We had been estranged for a few years. I had re-established a relationship with my mother. My mother had been horribly abusive to my sister as we were growing up. She, my mother, had always been jealous of Leslie. She was cruel to her from a young age on. My mother suffers from acholholism as well as bi-polar disorder. She was jealous of any attention my sister got. Leslie had been sick so much as a child. When I say sick I mean, blood in her urine, debilitating pain and hospitalization. When she got older her therapist and her thought it was because of the stress the abuse took on her. I don't mean physical abuse. My mother would belittle Leslie and blame her for most of the problems she had but in the cruelest ways. Words can't describe what Leslie when through at the hands or more correctly the mouth of my mother. Mom almost seemed to take joy in the pain she caused Leslie but would play the clueless marytr when it came to any conferintation. I personally believe that mother mother may have done something to hurt Leslie so she could play the hurting mother. There is a term for that. It's called Munchausen by proxy syndrome. I never brought this up to Leslie but I know it's what was happening. You'd have to know my Mother to believe it.
People that know my mother love. She's fantastic when you need help or a shoulder to cry on. As long as you're not family. I wish I had the mother they all saw.
As for me, my mother loved me and showered me with affection. But let us know that I was her favorite. It killed me to see what she did to Leslie but I did and said nothing for years. My father didn't really know what to do with me so a related the attention given to me by my mother. I know how wrong that is now looking back but couldn't see it as a kid. She drifted from my father and looked to me for a connection. There was never any sexual abuse but I was her surrogate husband on many other levels.
When I walked away from my mother finally, Leslie and I got very close. We became eathothers ally and confidant. When I thought my mother was dying I put aside my feelings and became close to her again. Leslie saw it as a betrayal. I can't blame her. I fell for my mothers old line. She had been telling us she was dying for years. Somehow I believed her. Because of this I missed my Sister's wedding and she missed mine.
When I got out of the army and after my divorce I reached out to her. I appologized truly for what I had done. There were a lot of tears and a slow road to bring us back together.
Then Leslie got sick. I didn't spend as much time with her as I should have. I did get to get up a couple of times. The last time was basically to sat goodbye. I knew it but she still was coming to grips with her upcoming death. We spent the last few hours together watching our favorite old SNL skits togethger. Something we did a lot over the years. I was able to hold her and tell her I loved her.
Then she passed away. Her service was a month after her death. I had put my faith and money into someone I shouldn't have and ended up missing her memorial. I will never forgive myself or there person I put my faith in.
I'm not the same. I can't adjust to this world without her in it. It's been six months and I still feel.....empty I guess. I keep seeing some political gig on tv and reach for the phone to call her or some crazy funny Bill Murray skit and want to talk to her and laugh about it But she's gone.
Since her death I just seem to keep letting people down but in some ways I'm more on track than ever. She always told me to go back to school and get my degree which I'm doing. I have my own place now that I love. I have my dog and my boys and they all love me but .....I still feel this void.
People keep telling me that it will never go away. That I just have to adjust. I want to kick their teeth in. Can't they see that this pain is so deep. Can't the just tell me that it will get better. Can't they just lie to me. But they won't. They 're good friends. My best friend is in fact, really on track. He has a girl now and is going to school. He's life is on track and finally looking up. On now had I'm so happy for him my heart bursts. On the other...I feel alone. The reality is it has nothing to do with him. He's been the best friend a guy can have. He's always there for me. I just feel adrift and alone. I just can't connect the emotional dots like I used to be able to. I don't want anyone close. I blew off an amazing woman who came into my life a year ago. I know I could have been happy with her. Maybe even built a life but I just don't feel worthy. She was to much of a gift from the gods. I walked away before I hurt her even more than I did by walking away.
I hope she can one day forgive me. I know it was a window that went by that I couldn't jump through right then. I'm st the age now where those windows don't com around much anymore. They are few and far between.
Well, that's really all I have to say. I've lost plenty of friends over the years but no death has every hit me like this one. I guess my friends are right. I'll never really recover.
Keep those heads up my Brothers and Sisters and trudge on down this happy road of destiny
Hagen
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